Death is never a funny thing…except when it totally is. Nothing accentuates the frivolity of life more than a funny death story, am I right?
Okay, I know it’s not polite to laugh, but these stories are just too ridiculous. Sometimes life is unfair…and so, so hilarious.
1. In 620 B.C., an Athenian lawmaker named Draco was a pretty popular guy.
He was so popular, in fact, that he suffocated to death under a pile of gifts given to him by locals one night at the theater. Death by swag.
2. A deacon named Lawrence of Rome was roasted alive on a grill in 258 A.D.
Supposedly, the man yelled to his torturers, “Turn me over. I’m done on this side.” He is now the patron saint of cooking. Seriously.
3. Edward II of England was killed by his wife Isabella and her lover Roger Mortimer in 1327.
They shoved a hot metal rod up his butt, effectively roasting his internal organs. Talk about heartburn.
4. In 1660, Scottish writer Thomas Urquhart died from a serious laughing fit.
Evidently, he found it hilarious that Charles II had become king. This is how I’ll die if Trump becomes president.
5. Adolf Frederick is known to Swedish children as “the king who ate himself to death.”
In 1771, the ruler dined on a meal of lobster, caviar, sauerkraut, smoked herring, and champagne. But it was dessert that really sent him over the edge…all 14 servings of it.
6. In 1926, a 16-year-old Australian boy named Phillip McClean was killed by a cassowary.
He and his friend decided that it would be fun to beat the bird with hammers, so the unhappy cassowary knocked the boy down and cut a blood vessel in his neck. The little abuser eventually bled out.
7. British actor Gareth Jones died while performing a televised version of Underground in 1958.
He died of a heart attack backstage, which wouldn’t have been that odd if his character in the play didn’t die of the same thing. He clearly took his job very seriously.
8. In 1974, a health food advocate named Basil Brown died after consuming 10 gallons of carrot juice in 10 days.
Doctors said that he overdosed on vitamin A, so that’s a thing.
9. Mike Edwards, a cello player for the Electric Light Orchestra, was killed in 2010 when a bale of hay rolled down a hill and crushed him.
That’s one way to go.
10. In 2014, a Belarusian man attempted to take a selfie with a beaver.
The critter, displeased by the whole thing, chomped down on the man’s leg and hit an artery. The man didn’t last long after that.
I don’t wish death upon anyone, but when your time comes, I hope that you leave this world extravagantly. I mean, dying of old age is boring. Everyone does that. Dare to be different, friends.